Moving to New York
I've sat down to write this post about 100 different times... in a bustling subway car on my notes app surrounded by aspiring musicians, sweaty suited businessmen, and screeching children; on good days, bad days, sleepy days, hopeful days; on days when I feel like the entire world is at my fingertips and on days when I wonder why I even came here in the first place.
New York City.
I moved to New York almost three months ago. If you weren't aware of the big news... surprise surprise. Between schlepping my net worth across the city on multiple occasions, working a full-time job, traveling every other weekend, and (barely) maintaining my sanity, I. AM. EXHAUSTED. These past couple of weeks have proved to be nothing short of an emotional whirlwind of firsts, lasts, hellos, goodbyes, and I-don't-knows. You haven't heard from me for a while, and I sincerely apologize for that. But believe me, I'm still here grinding it out like the rest of the world.
I've been trying to piece together a digestible synopsis of the fragmented puzzle that makes up the first few weeks of this new life. My new life, apparently. But as I typed and deleted and cut and pasted time and time again, I simply couldn't find the equation to tie it all together. Those instinctive "next steps" following graduation - leaving school, securing a job, moving out, making a new life - turned out to be a far cry from normal. In the blink of an eye, I was thrown right into the thick of change. First, it was graduation. Then, came the big move away from my friends and DC. Just when it finally started to feel right, it was time to go.
Two glorious months came and went, and before I knew it, the day I had been dreading all summer arrived. I was buried deep in the crevasse of John's shoulder at the American Airlines security checkpoint at O'Hare, holding on for dear life. I was forced to bid a bitter farewell, as he embarked on his new chapter across the country - 2,000 miles away. I sulked through the departures hallway to the parking lot, salty tears burning down my raw cheeks, while an airport musician strummed an ill-timed rendition of "Landslide" on his beat-up ukulele. Seriously dude... you had to go with that one today?
It took a few days for the newly-assigned long distance girlfriend status to set in, but after a handful of long walks with my mom and late nights on the couch with my dog, I dried my tears and took a deep breath. The impending launch of my blog served as a powerful reminder that I, too, had a journey to begin.
It just so happened that mine was destined for the other coast.
To put it plain and simple, moving to New York was one of the hardest things I've ever done. The move came at a pivotal milestone for my family. As they prepared to transition into the new house that my parents built - a project that has quite literally been 18 years in the making - I tagged my luggage for a different destination. I wasn't a kid anymore. And as many times as my parents reassured me that I would always have a place to call home in Chicago, it didn't feel quite the same this time.
I'm working on making a second home out of a wild city. Every day, I wake up to a new challenge. Sometimes it's just the 13 minute walk to the subway that's too much; a street cleaner misting my pants; a couple holding up my hasty pace with their leisurely stroll; a slicked-hair asshole cutting in front of me for the last seat on the train. An elbow punching through the small of my tired back as late commuters budge their way into an over-crowded car; a blockade of tourists beckoning for a photo in Times Square; a late night of calls followed by countless mornings of early presentations. But as difficult as this city makes it to survive, I'll be the first to admit that New York has made me tougher, mentally, than I ever imagined. However, I can assure you that this transformation didn't happen overnight.
My second week in the city, I was an emotional wreck. I tried calling my mom (obviously), but when she didn't pick up, I searched for the closest replacement I could find... a room of yogis. I signed up for the nearest hot yoga class and made the 45 minute trek to the studio by foot. I arrived pretty choked up, but prayed that my misty tears could somehow pass for beads of sweat. As I waited patiently for the teacher to chime in with some divine intervention, a set of feet tiptoed to the front of the class a few minutes behind schedule. "Sorry I'm late, everyone," the teacher confessed. "Believe it or not, yoga instructors have bad days too, and today was pretty much the worst." I cracked open my eyes to see if this guy was for real, and all at once, the entire class let out a massive sigh of relief. "Well... I guess we all had a bad day today!" he replied, chuckling.
That simple moment reassured me that I was not alone. As we all continued to laugh, he invited us to set an intention for the class with a deep inhale,
"It's easy to fear the unknown of the future, but today, try to let go of any expectations and embrace where you are at this moment in time."
I've continued to carry that small piece of advice with me for the past several weeks. Whenever the frustration or anxiety or sadness kicks in, I remember that it's okay not to be okay all of the time. It's okay to simply accept where you are at that moment. It's for this very reason, that I decided against publishing some of the other fun content I had lined up. It didn't feel right for me to feign a thriving façade for all of you, when in reality, I needed time to reflect on my changing circumstances.
I still have many unresolved feelings about this place, but I'm grateful for the changes that brought me here. Whether I stay for a few months or a few years, I'm thankful for the challenge to push beyond the comforts of what I've always known. Thank you, sincerely, for your unending encouragement and reassurance. One thing I know for sure is my love for this space. My imperfectly crafted, rambling oasis pieced together from a dream to do something greater than merely exist. You guys keep me going. Keep doing what you love. Even when you don't know what you're doing or where your decisions will lead you. Even when life is incoherent and messy and too hard.
Especially when it's too hard.
♫ LANDSLIDE - FLEETWOOD MAC ♫
I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'Til the landslide brought it down
Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Well, I've been afraid of changin'
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older, too
Well, I've been afraid of changin'
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older, too
Oh, I'm getting older, too
I took my love, I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down
Oh, the landslide will bring it down
