Failure & New Beginnings
Hi again.
I know… it’s taken me quite a while to find my way back to the keyboard. If you’re still here, here’s me reaching out through the screen to give you the biggest *virtual* embrace, elbow bump, air-five, etc. You deserve it. Thank you for giving me a moment of your precious headspace during these ridiculously turbulent and trying times, and most of all, thank you for bearing with me and the uncertain outputs of my online space. Although it may not seem like it based on my hiatus this past year, THE STATE OF GRACE means the world to me, and I’ve been thinking about it and working on it every day since my abrupt pause last October.
I’ll never forget the sweaty, sweltering Chicago Sunday that was August 20, 2017. The day that I launched this blog. My family was leaving to play tennis and begging me to get dressed and out the door. “Okay, okay, just need a few more minutes… I’ll meet you there!” I promised. I gave myself a strict deadline and I wasn’t going to miss it. My hands were dripping and visibly shaking as I read through my internet debut one last time. This was it. I toggled the site live, squealed, and slammed my laptop shut. I scooped up my dog up and we pranced around the kitchen, swirling and dancing like it was Christmas morning. The entire drive to tennis, I blasted “Glorious” out the windows, singing aloud for all to hear, free as a bird. When I finally made it to the courts, I bolted out of the car and leaped over the net with my phone in hand, proudly proclaiming, “It’s live! It’s here! It’s done! I really did it.”
On the heaviest days of the past few years, I reflect on the simple joy of that day. I think about how I woke up that morning bearing the weight of the world upon my shoulders, and how I went to bed without a hint of doubt. I was right where I was supposed to be. THE STATE OF GRACE was something I felt compelled to share with the world, but more importantly, it was something I needed to give myself. A safe space, a creative outlet, a precious refuge from the tumultuous nature of my innermost thoughts and this wildly challenging world. I’ve been writing and creating for as long as I can remember. Letters to friends and family, sports banquet speeches, locket-bound journals, travel vlogs, wedding videos, mood boards, recipes, scrapbooks, you name it. They’re like my secret coping mechanisms, my catharsis IV’s. And they help. A lot.
Last October, however, I realized this space wasn’t going to be enough to save me from my demons. I had to step away for a while. Life had been feeling extra heavy for me (long before the pandemic hit), and I wasn’t able to show up in this space like I had before. Maybe I’ll talk about it more one day, but for now I’ll leave it at this. It’s been a long road, I’ve come a long way, and today, I’m feeling proud.
Thank you for being patient with me. I smile every single day knowing that this tiny corner of the internet is always here for me when I need it the most. Know that I’m here for you too, and can’t wait to get back on THE STATE OF GRACE bandwagon! Lots of fun to come.
For now, I’m celebrating the fact that I’m alive, healthy, safe, and well. I hope you are, too. Sending so much love and light your way!